16.8.12
Sitting
I am sitting here on a Thursday nite; after another OT shift: ( I have like a insane number of OT hours) and as I sit here I realize - I am an idiot. It isnt funny or a 'hey you clown" idiot. Im an asswipe.
I have tried for eons to do everything around here for everyone in the hopes of doofi to get the pic. For this I have - 1 kid in rehab; who had his kid die due to a doofus that - (fuck it) I have done more for people that I care not for than any fuckin saint would.
I am on the verge of losing my mind/house/sanity thanks to not being able to access the person I MOST LOVE.
Fuckin Obama is great but MOFO I fucking have had it with this bullshit
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I figure you're doing more for those you don't care for because it's something the ones you do care for needs you to do.
But if not, then yeah. What the hell? Cut it out!
I have few people I'm related to as Facebook friends because there was a span of three years there where they couldn't be bothered a simple 'like' here or a 'gosh, kids are getting big,' there, or even a "happy birthday!" would have been nice. When we saw them, it was all about them, all the time. Kept thinking, 'What are we doing wrong? Are we forgetting some key thing to connect with these people? Am I really not giving them enough?? Really!?!'
But we've got a flipping gigantic t.v. two feet next to my office (which was supposed to be an electro-free zone so I could start writing again) BECAUSE cousin-in-law's baby mom was putting the smack down on him financially (for a new fucking smart phone) and he was spiraling into depression over it -- so my tenderhearted husband took off on father's day to buy this tv to help the guy out which caused a week's worth of anger and hurt between us (for example, I don't get to pay off other bills so some selfish W gets the new upgraded model phone/boo-hoo her hostess job at the late night strip joint wasn't bringing in enough dough, see-- WHAT ABOUT THEIR KID!??)... TV was originally bought with drug money, btw, (not OUR drug money--that was legit money) so that's something I get to think about every time I look at it...and that's probably more than the internet needs to know...
"THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO DEAL WITH!" I insisted, but it's happening. And I very much appreciate I'm married to a man who can't turn people away rather than the opposite. That's MY job now. Being the hard ass.
I tell myself a couple things:
1. My grandmother had it worse, but kept her shit together and provided me an incredible role model.
2. Because I loved her so much, I want to be that same light for my grand kids.
3. I get why she did it, because this new generation is going to be a great bunch of kiddos. I just gotta believe that.
You're doing it. You're likely not the only one struggling with how to process this, either. Maybe you're even the one who's handling it the most gracefully. Patience. At my worst, I thought I'd break, and was kidding myself, and the world was an evil bastard jokester that picked on the do gooders. Now I'm over it. My kids are happy. Everything I do is so my kids are happy.
You're tired, but you're no wimp.
You're a hero. Keep going!
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