I guess I'll close my eyes; since for the life of me I cant stand the thinking. So I've refused to think for quite sometime now. Pretty much have worked myself down to the bone and its an open fracture; just a seething woumd of hurt and no-pass craps rolls.

Ever since the littlest guy passed; the little majiro; life has been nothing but a constant everyday challenge that I can not; or perchance will not overcome. I hardly even want to speak to Her Highness at all. Its not so much a dislike nor a hate or disgust. It's just I cant talk to her. I cant express anything much less the deep despair a feel every mother fucking day.

My grandkids are a bundle of spirit, joy and events. Some of which are less than compatible with my brain function right now. Pretty much all the time. Nothing like being sent to the bench as the father figure and have to answer all the questions, pay all the bills and struggle with all the stupidity that a family can face.

Yeah Im crying in my beer and I really have the fuck-it syndrome. Im tried out. Ive held family meetings to try to get the hoard to understand I cant do it all; i cant. Its killing me and the stress is manifesting itself in serious alcohol comsumption and major tension headaches ( hey 2 weeks straight but fuck it a stroke would cure that)... I tried ass-hole. I tried begging. None are gonna get it until the end comes and we are all out on the street. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul and juggling as fast as my hands can spin my heartless ass around is digging holes to China.

Its fear; Its failure.


Little Kenny said...

Though it's of dubious benefit I'm still sending good vibes your way amigo. I've got nothing else useful to send.

Angeline Larimer said...

Same address?

You're sad. I'm sad for you. I see those kids on the right side there and I know you'll get yourself standing again. No pressure, but I know. Your spirit comes through. You'll fight through this..

In the meantime, get ready for some freaking awesome third grade sea otter portraits!
Big love to all of you!

Jason Murphy said...

Hello, I'm a blogger. Just to say best wishes and congratulation of having a newborn. What a blessing.

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Rob Hamel said...

A deep breath, a reflection on that which helps and hurts, and a hello from a long-lost mainland, blogging friend. Take care and good thoughts sent your way.

Rob Hamel said...

still thinking of you, my friend. No more thoreauslaughing, but a new one about rejuvinationand rebirth. Take care of yourself.

zilla said...

Grief is one big, unwieldy, chaotic motherfucker, that's for sure. And just when you think that beast has retreated, she surges again. And again.

And again.

I can't fix it.

I hate that I can't fix it.

I want you to know that I care.

fineartist said...

NEVER, you will never be a failure, no, never. And heartless, if you were heartless you wouldn't feel the pain that you feel. I understand where you're coming from, and I know where you're going my friend, up, it's only up from here, or that's what I keep telling myself anyway. Love you Mark, I've never met you but I love your spirit and I know you will pull out of this, changed, sad, but that great big beautiful spirit of yours will pull up!

Bharat Rawat said...

Really painfull