Holes

I'm digging as fast as I can. And refilling as fast as I can also. It is almost comical how many things have taken wrong turns for all of us here in this land of Aloha. I mean for crying out loud it is amazing. If it wasnt for the precious faces of the boys + Kiana + Mai; I donno, I think I'd lose it. It has been just 1 thing after another after another. I see the glare of the many many mistakes that I make and continue to make. Thats a bit irritating. The worst part about any of this whole FUBAR is that it brings me so far down; and I dont have the time for being depressed. Dont have time to seek knowledge of myself and question why feelings conjur up distress of that sort. Mai comes home Tuesday; and parents as well back to Honoka'a. I mean I am trying as hard as I can to see light and see positives; the only focus comes with continues workouts + continuing home work on the house; thats OK and all that but it doesnt fill the holes; the holes that gape and tempt from losing the oldest son to drugs and stupidity; kicking the boys and the girlfriend and Mom + Grandaugther out; failing miserably in communication w/ my other; and standing firm at things that needed to be stood for w/ her. Gimme a huge set of waves; gimme a fire burning hot; gimme broken bones. heart attacks and disasters; gimme shit I can fix. Just quit making me sad.