A primer for ordering room service

KJ's Bday notwithstanding, or standing in, for that matter; a primer of ordering room service when vacation time comes for those who apparently have absolutely no clue how to do this mind boggling experience of actually ordering food on a telephone.

1. Cute kiddie ordering -

Dont do it. (Kaleo, if papa ever does make you do this, and thinks it is bloody cute, you may take away all surfing privledges I have) I am sure your kiddo is a cutie, all of the little rug rats are. But when the little squirt is trying to order food at the prices in room service, well, dont complain when it is screwed up. And WE hear you in the background.

2. Speaker phone use -

25 lashes. You will get punished for using this. You are not at work, talking to a client/worker/ex/mistress/side salad. Ack. I feel like creating reverb just to annoy you.

3. Its called room service for a reason -

You order it to your room. You should be there to recieve it. What part of this is hard to understand?

4. When ordering a Cheese Sandwhich -

You may skip the ordering of a ham & cheese sandwhich. It really portrays you as not the sharpest tool in the shed. " I'd like to order a ham & cheese sandwhich, on wheat" - "but no ham" Sooooooooooooooooooooooo - lemme see; that'd be a CHEESE Sandwhich?!?. Duuuuuh.

5. "What do you get for a $13.95 Hamburger?"

A hamburger that costs $13.95. In a pink hotel. Brought to your room. Along with $4.00 delivery fee, (that goes to the hotel, not the staff) 17% gratuity, and 4.17% tax.

Yeah, its expensive. You dont HAVE to order. (and in the same vein, if you are really cool/nice/normal - we will bend over backwards to get you what you want - no matter what) but - play the asshole game, and well................

5A - Pricing.

I dont make them.

- again, tho' if you are cool/sane/nice/normal, I can change the price. Or ask my friend the chef to "kick ass" on your order and make it well worth the price. Your choice.

6. Yes, many immigrants work here.

I speak/understand/read english. I also can deal with pidgin. Ilocano. Chinese. Japanese. Samoan. Tongan. This can benefit you and your order.

I dont speak asshole. But I will after I hang up. Again, your choice.

7. Just ask.

Please dont beat around the bush. You want something? I will try. Again, please try to be normal. We may not have what you want, but if you are half way cool, I will try.

Those stories of staff finding a 1937 luggage part in the basement for your grandmas steamer trunk that broke five minutes before departure, are true. Or I can say - "Sorry, we are out of those"

8. Sick?

Bummer. Vacation, too? Damn. I didnt make you sick. Again, be normal. Your kid is sick? All you gotta do is ask in a sane/normal/kind way; I will do whatever I can to get something to heal that - cold/cough/sunburn/itch/yeast infection/whatevers, if you are HALF WAY KIND about the request.

Again, your choice.

9. Contrary to popular belief -

Many of us have been to other fine hotels. And damn if we do know how to make staff assist us! amazing, isnt it?

10. "I want to speak to a manager!"

I love this. We have had 40 in the past 24 years, They do not last long. And BTW, at night, THEY AINT AROUND. Basically, you are getting a version of me acting as a manager. OK? So rant in the day, when the big bosses are here. By the time I get here, they are on Mai Tai #4.

OK, public service done.

24 tomorrow.

KJ - Happy Bday my little champer.

And to all of you -

ALOHA.