Old VegasSo the family is on the mainland. Son 2 is still here but he doesnt live with us. He is a great kid. I am lucky to have both ends of the spectrum coming closer together (so far!)
Maimai got her rejection notice from Kamehameha Schools today, I wont be telling her or the Lady C 'till they return. 848 requests for admission, 130 spots. Maimai was a hardway bet away from entry, but ya gotta try. Something like 500 females for maybe 70 openings. Our district had 98 applications for 6 openings. ADHD doesnt play well with others, toooooo much challenge or the educators. Eh, you go with the flow, and see what happens along the razor blade that is life.
Hopefully, I wont still be riding it naked. (the razor blade, that is)
Expunging demons is a skill I lack at. There are dreams and images that are seeking a place to go to, and the inn is full. It is hard to explain why it is so hard to ignore the sights and sounds that continue long after the emergency has been mitigated. I guess it is good that I care, and that I feel some loss at anothers demise, or injury. It just isnt good for me. Sometimes, I just sense that something really bad is coming in over the circuit (the alarm that would "bop" us at the firehouse) I would lay awake, and KNOW that something is brewing out in the cosmos. 7 outta 10 times, I was right. It could be a auto accident, or a stroke, building fire maybe. They all meld together in a really bizarre way - They float out in my mind, waiting for some smell, action, or sound to yank me away and force me to see the goddamn thing all over again. Once they come, they leave real quick, but the reverb they cause keeps bouncing of the walls of my soul.
Things change, and with the time in Firecom, it is not hands on horror as it has become managing the horror.
Does that make sense? It has become instead of 4 or 5 alarms in a shift, or say, 20 in a work cycle at the Firehouse, to now being alarms number in the hundreds per day Sure, it isnt the physical, hands on aspect for now, but the sounds and calls are enough to rip out my brain and fry it in hot and spicy sauce, throw a side of oyster sauce, and call me done.
It doesnt help to try and hold it in, I imagine, either. So I need this. 'Cause I got the crew to depend on me. I have to deal. I will.
I drive on the freeway every day, at various times. On the way to Firecom, I pass under the overpass where a 19 y/o girl jumped to her death. Everytime I approach it, I can see the whole fucking alarm over & over. From the morning meeting, to the person at the door telling us a girl just leaped over the railing, to us running to the scene. The radio call to Firecom, the Kohnster pulling up with the truck. The witness' faces in shock, and pale. The huge construction worker guy, just ready to lose it. The ER Doc, who was on his way to work, and saw the incident. Him holding her head so she can gasp her last breath. The crimson color of the blood. Things that belong on the inside; on the outside. Trying like hell to do something shit, anything to make this better. Knowing there is nothing that can be done. Loading her in the Ambulance, and hearing that last rattle. Going back and washing down the scene.
I fucking hate driving by that.
Everytime I hear the word 'stroke' I shudder. I know what the people will go through. The rehab, the way it screwed up my MIL. The way your life changes for the shits after.
Dont get me wrong, there is a greatness to my job, it isnt as demanding, is all. It is a rejoicing; not a consatnt doom.
Thats why I needed a flush.
Sorry.
Have a great Sunday.
Aloha.
4 comments:
I loathe that feeling that the other shoe is about to drop.
I'll pray for a flush for you. A straight flush, kay?
You'll be fine. Chin up. Elbows out.
I'm sorry to hear that she didn't get into the school...I hope she takes it well and bounces back quickly.
You've given so much of yourself on each and every one of those calls, of course it's hard to let them go!
I see cars I helped build all over, and if I see one on the side of the road, even if it's 20 years old, I still feel a twinge of guilt. Like I let them down or something...
I promise if you'll go surfing I'll go fishing!
alan
You said it, this belongs on the outside, not trapped inside. Gotta purge it, let it go.
We need to read it too. Gotta remember that there are people out there who deal in terms of life and death. Gotta remember that they consistently do what I could not, or don’t believe, I could do, in large doses.
No. The small amount of death that I deal with leaves me.... Every time. We have such a difficult time with death in our lives. Or at least I do. The fear, the loss, the unknown, the horror…..You too I see, yet you do it to save lives, so it's rewarding too, still....
Thank you for caring with a clear head and a responsible steady and strong ethic.
Who makes the guy who makes things better, better?
I know, the guy who makes things better.
I hope this therapy eases it some.
Your daughter’s placement, DANG IT. With those odds, but still, dang it. The luck of the draw, and I thought MO had problems in education…..
Oh, and I’ll listen to my kids music--even slipknot occasionally--and their questions and smart mouths, and whining, and even talking all at once to me, over that phone constantly ringing and some of those “people” who you have to deal with. Yes, I’ll keep my kids.
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