Failure

I guess I'll close my eyes; since for the life of me I cant stand the thinking. So I've refused to think for quite sometime now. Pretty much have worked myself down to the bone and its an open fracture; just a seething woumd of hurt and no-pass craps rolls.

Ever since the littlest guy passed; the little majiro; life has been nothing but a constant everyday challenge that I can not; or perchance will not overcome. I hardly even want to speak to Her Highness at all. Its not so much a dislike nor a hate or disgust. It's just I cant talk to her. I cant express anything much less the deep despair a feel every mother fucking day.

My grandkids are a bundle of spirit, joy and events. Some of which are less than compatible with my brain function right now. Pretty much all the time. Nothing like being sent to the bench as the father figure and have to answer all the questions, pay all the bills and struggle with all the stupidity that a family can face.

Yeah Im crying in my beer and I really have the fuck-it syndrome. Im tried out. Ive held family meetings to try to get the hoard to understand I cant do it all; i cant. Its killing me and the stress is manifesting itself in serious alcohol comsumption and major tension headaches ( hey 2 weeks straight but fuck it a stroke would cure that)... I tried ass-hole. I tried begging. None are gonna get it until the end comes and we are all out on the street. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul and juggling as fast as my hands can spin my heartless ass around is digging holes to China.

Its fear; Its failure.

Running

Ive been running as fast as I can for more than a year now. Im pretty sure Ive exhausted my brains limited capacity for well...everything. Aloha. My terrorists are the bain and love of daily life.

18 hours

of surfing + still an idiot

Steve "Kohnster"

He made my grandkids coffin. Ill never be able to thank this human enough

Sucks

All I want to do is be drunk; work + sleep. Life does not exsist.

Mom...and Dad.

A few more shots

Kekoa bday at the beach + our lttle divers....

Some pics

Myocardial Infarction

The other shift we had a cal for an infant in cardiac arrest. I was fine thru most of it; but the wailing and heartache of the family stayed with me for a long while. I'd say pretty much I have kinda fallen apart afterwards. Losing our own grandson was hard; I thought I had overcome it. There are times where certain songs; sounds; or smells just cause me for whatever reason to pretty much fall apart. This isnt well when working out at the gym; as bawling your eyes out creates unwanted stares. My doofus-ness continues. But I; (thanks Ange!) will foremost care on my Moopuna's happiness.

Sitting

I am sitting here on a Thursday nite; after another OT shift: ( I have like a insane number of OT hours) and as I sit here I realize - I am an idiot. It isnt funny or a 'hey you clown" idiot. Im an asswipe. I have tried for eons to do everything around here for everyone in the hopes of doofi to get the pic. For this I have - 1 kid in rehab; who had his kid die due to a doofus that - (fuck it) I have done more for people that I care not for than any fuckin saint would. I am on the verge of losing my mind/house/sanity thanks to not being able to access the person I MOST LOVE. Fuckin Obama is great but MOFO I fucking have had it with this bullshit

Boo.

What are the sane people doing?

OT and life

Work more and live less. Thats what I say. Life is nothing but work + stress + nothing but misery and heartache for now. Oh well.

Reasons to blog

From 6 years ago - you wanna know why to keep blogging ? People like this -


If not know that your gentle comments are very much apprecated as little kisses blown by the soft winds .
When I was 22, I went to Hawaï with the man I was going to love all my life long and who passed away 7 years ago . We came from Los Angeles where we were travelling and had very little money . It was fast spend in Honolulu and then we had to play Robinson Crusoë in Kauaï . Michel everynight would built a hut with 4 sticks, some palms tree branches and our beach towels and of course being in our 20's and in love we had a ball !!!! In fact it was in Kauaï airport that he asked ( I should say begged!) me to marry him . I do not think I was exactly his type but he said the magic of that week was forever in his cells and he was going to spend his life with the magician , and he did, so your beautiful part of the world is precious to me for ever and ever. I would have loved to come back and put my older feet in our young steps but can't go everywhere . Maybe you are not even hawaian but to me you are Mark from Hawaï and that is why I wanted to share this precious memories with you to say thank you and send love and light your way ...

Pause

There are a great many things that give pause. I cant imagine the pain that people go thru daily; I cant stand the way life has been treating us lately. It isnt overwhelming; its just hard. I cant seem to come to grips with the little guys death; nor can I get on track with the surrounding circumstances of that loss. There is great joys with the grandkids; Kaleo + Kekoa + Kiana are blossoming all around us, and yet I am distracted in grief. What the hell? The guys all on their own pitched in to help at a baby luau we were at; helping to load chairs and put away table and clean up the area. I was so proud of them. They did it all on their own, no asking no prodding, just started in to help. That made me smile. Not a day goes by where the queen and I dont have some kind of conflict; some kind of issue where anger plays a big role, where love is absent. That really is starting to suck; and drains my soul daily. I dread some days; I try to focus and yet everything is so blurred. I guess it will pass, but I wonder wistfuly at was has become of our lives? Longing for happiness, overcome by reality, and trying to remain normal. Some things are just impossible.

Our Majiro is gone and buried now.

After a month; our littlest angel is buried. If it wasnt for my friend and fellow fireman Kohnster, I'd never have been able to complete a coffin of solid Koa Wood for the little guy.

I wish nothing like this on anyone ever.

I'm done; I'm out; I'm forever damaged goods. FWIW - the staff at the mortuary said they have never seen another coffin hand made of this beauty nor care. PERIOD. I guess that makes me smile a great bit; and thankful as shit for a man like Kohnster

Our little Majiro

Aloha all. We had a little angel visit us for a couple of days. Our 3rd grandson was born on 4/20. He was only 24 weeks gestation; so he came in at 1 pound 4 ounces. He fought like a champion but just couldnt beat the odds. Majiro is a little green bird that resides here in Hawaii. They are tiny; so I nicknamed him that since thats kinda what I do. He did his darndest to strengthen himself and thrive, but it just wasnt meant to be I guess. I had visite him the morning he passed and got to have him hold my pinky with his tiny hand. I went home with positive thoughts and encouragement from the nurses and his readings in the incubator. Less than an hour later we were rushing back only to have him pass away just before we got there. The rainbow showed up while I was on my way to visit; and I thought cool, someones watching over him since it landed right about where his hospital was. I guess it was for him to be guided to heaven later on. Be good to each other; as we never know what life may throw at us. Rainbow that was there on way to visit just before he passed away.

I'm really wondering if I can survive this.

My life in a few pix. Surf/Jiu Jitsu/Complain

I love it. But I am ready for an asylum. Really.

Z Z Z da dee Z!

Got to surf the other day. Hassled my keiki moopuna's. Then greeted w/ a comment from a person I have never met but miss all the same. Zilla I thank you. Angie I thank you too. Kenny, Rain, Alan, Fine Artist, Becky boop anyone I missed I ask forgiveness. Thank you all so much. I still find it incredible that the most hits on a subject is when I put "Our dog has huge balls and other shit" But hey; whateverfloatspeoplesboats.........

Well hey hi and how the hell are ya? I aint really sure thats a sure. damn if I know. I feel like I am wandering my mind in ways that no one knows thats for sure.

I could use a Vegas trip to still my brain

Great thing

.............about being insane is that I get to make up my own reality..........

Cool

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giHwfGCz__Y&feature=player_embedded

Skaters

Terrorists went skating at the ice rink here for BIL's Bday while I was at work. Some winter fun in the tropics.............

What now goliath?

Went reef walking again. With a son in jail and my life in shambles its kinda nice I guess.

Reef Night Walk

I hope someone still reads this blather I miss you all we walked an adventured; pretty cool.