Exhausted. Probably the only word I can use with confidence today. Mentally drained from quite the busy cycle at the firehouse. 2 drownings, promotional interview, home improvement shitski to do, Mai-mai on vacation, K no job, no brain, getting stoned, ....Hrumph! Dear heart C and spaz-o-meter hormones/MENopause testing the intestinal fortitude of this Hawaiian.
Death. Needless death. I cant think of anything more testing on my psychi than the calls we go on where death is needless. In the past decade, I see the images in my minds eye probably too often. The first cardiac call, the Tutu (grandparent) lying on the floor, trying to recall my training, be professional, carry out the task at hand (gee, save a life?) sweating buckets, performing compressions on her frail body, prepping for the AED. Hearing the wails of family. Focusing on my duty. Breaking her ribs with the compressions. Clearing the vomit so the MICT's can intubate her. Shocking her. The jerk of her small frame coming to rest aside my knees. Loading her, assisting the ambulance crew with packaging her into the Ambi.
Then reading the obituary 2 days later.
Decade. Neil Young, greatest hits compilation. All these calls, certain ones, all of them, none of them. Dig a small hole in the grey matter, and plant the images forever. Rise again when you really dont want it. Middle of the night. Driving down the road. Black humor. Darkest black. Purple, it is soooo fucking black. Fire victims. Crispy critters. Cold shit, yeah? Not pretty, not human looking. Vacant, blank stares right into your living soul, blaming you, cursing you, from somewhere you will someday be. Suicide off the bridge of the freeway. 19 years old. Your image is stuck, plastered in the area right behind my right eye. The same eye that your swan dive off onto the hard cold morning concrete had to see. Looking at and caring for your twisted frame, your crushed head, your brain- the reason you jumped- shattered all to bits in the Hawaiian morning. Crimson red of the blood you lost.
Death. Senseless, avoidable, careless death.
Guess I really, really need to go surfing.
Hug your loved ones.
1 comment:
It takes its toll, living in the company of Death. Met an EMT in PA who said the worst of it was when the victim was a child. Answered a call after a garbage truck jump a guardrail and slammed into a Toyota. The compact was on its side, crushed against the wall of the convenience store where the driver had dashed in to pick up some _____. Toyota was full of kids. The EMT was the first to arrive. Looked down through the passenger side window into the lifeless eyes of a 9 year old girl. Terrible thing. But I know I don't have to say this to you. You live it. I have a lot of admiration for what you do. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Read the post about the diver, too. Tragic. I know what loss feels like. Nothing is ever the same.
Post a Comment