Pre-Vacation "S'Trip" Tale...Vol. 1

Being that the L'vacation is 14 days away, I figure a good tale from the first virgin trip is in order. Hope you enjoy the tale.

2000. Memorial Day weekend. My mother-in-law (MIL) was planning on a trip to Las Vegas (LV), and my eldest son (K) was still enrolled at my and my dads almamater (SLH). The football team was playing a pre-season game in LV, and my MIL was going to go, along with meeting up with her sister-in-law (SIL). Up until this point in my life, I had never been to LV. Oh sure, I had heard the tales told, and wondered what the scene was like, but never really wanted to go. I really have no interest in gambling, I have seen too many people at the Hotel Hell get their lives screwed owing money for football bets and the like. I love to out guess the odds makers on College ball, but I put no coin on my hunches. Maybe throw a $5 here and there, like once a season, to see if I can hit a parlay sheet for a quick win. Pick 8, and score $250 smackeroos. More amusing to see the looks on the constant bettors faces, when it works; ...eh, simple, limited, Fun. If it isnt fun, then you have a problem with gambling. That would be my standard, I guess.

Any who - So the MIL is getting herself planned up and ready to go, when for god knows what reason, she asks if I want to go with her. (remember now, at this point, Lady C and I havent been on a vacation since the dawn of time) Lady C says "Go. Please, this constant surf,surf, surf, and work, work, work, you deserve it..." In truth, it was more like I had the time, and she didnt, so I got the long straw. Our income in those days was pretty short, as we were paying for private school for K and his brother, The Bear. So gambling $, was going to be perhaps, around 300 shimoolians. Last second problems, curses of home stuffs, the budget dwindled to 200 pre-inflation dineros. Myself, having absolutely NO idea on what a bankroll was, figures, "hey I am Howard Hughes!" "200 big ones! More than my allowance for the month!" In other words, I figures I am good to go.

Be brave, oh beating hearts, reality check comes soon enough.

Backgroundish info - my MIL had been going quite often with my at this time recently deceased FIL, and they had tales of fun, walks, and shopping, along with the requisite deposits to Bank of LV. My MIL is a slot junkie, or was , anyway, as she is in a care home now. My FIL, was a slot junkie too. Me, I look at the things and think... "Fuck that!" I have kids that take money, I dont need a machine to vacuum it out. Ah, but that is now. Not on that first trip, 'tho. Unfortunately for me I had listened to the tales of wins from MIL, and thought, "wow, they just GIVE money to you, while giving you free beer, too!!!" Innocent dummy, I was.

So MIL and I get on the big airliner, and packed like sardines in coach, fly off to LV. At this time, it was my first trip off the rock since 1981. Of course, I got the seat in the middle. Making note of the hassle it was to get to and from that toture chamber, I planned to attack the back of the plane by harvesting beers with some others who didnt have premium seating. A couple of nice enough guys and i stood in the back, and gave the flight attendants a story for 'flight attendant rant. com'...Nah, we were well behaved, and quaffed many a brew for the betterment of mankind.

Not really that much, maybe a six pack for me. Over the 5 hour flight, not too much, really. So we land in LV, and MIL sprints for the exit, needing a smoke, as 5 hours without Carbon Monoxide is something she couldnt live without back then. At this point in time, I rarely smoked a cig. So watching her rush to the doors was entertaining in and of itself.

We get to the California Hotel And Casino (The Cal) in wonderful, wonderous, downtown LV. As we rode there, I was amazed at the strip. Lights, neon, and it was everywhere! Amazing. It was maybe 7PM, tops. We check in, and MIL is scratching at the door to gamble. Coins, bells, whining sirens, all the noises and sounds of the Casino were calling her. It is a pretty intoxicating sound I imagine, I just kinda get sensory overload, and tone it out. Becomes like a white noise, I guess.

MIL and I head down to meet Aunty Verna (AV) who via Oregon, was coming to join us. My MIL's SIL. We meet her and she says she has rented a car, and later we can go to see the son, K at the hotel the team is at. So MIL & AV take virgin boy, (me) to the big old Casino. "Here Mark, this is a slot machine, you put $ in it, they bring you free beer, and then you get money out"... Well, sorta. More like, take the $, flush it down the toilet, and wait for the drink to appear, that you really paid 100 bucks for. Truth in advertising? Not. But, the MIL and AV mean well, so off I goes armed with a 20. I figure, shit, I will be raking in the dough, in minutes. MIL and AV go off to their favorite machines, and I plunk down on a spot near the bar. (stupid, I am not) If I am paying 100 bucks-a-beer, it coming fast, baby!...Any how, I drops me 20 in the machine and figure, hell, in a hour, i will be in hog heaven money oozing out my pores.

Approximately 3 minutes later, the 20 vanished. What the heck? Add another 20, maybe they will become friends, and multiply in side the machine.

Maybe 2 minutes later, I figured the shit out. Stay the hell away from the slots.

Wandering around, I see MIL and AV pumping bills into the slots. I recall that my MIL ALWAYS comes back from LV, broke. ALWAYS. Ah ha! I says! I see why! God Bless her, but random number generators, odds, and mathematics mean nothing to her. So I wander the casino, checking the scene out. Nothing prepares you for the people watching in this town. i could come here for a week, and just wtch the comings and goings. Really. So MIL pumping away, and AV pumping away, I bide my time at a small machine for quarters, playing dueces wild, having a really very good time. A couple sits next to me, from California, retired, and we chat it up. Cool as hell folk, we chit and chatter about life, and stuff. The mans wife hits the machine for a grand. Neat. Exciting. A few - maybe more than a few - beers later, I wander back to find MIL and AV. they have buckets of coins. They are happy as clams. I am well, buzzed. Not drunk, buzzing. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

So MIL and AV want to go down to the strip where my son K is staying. AV doesnt want to drive, so they decide I will. Fine with me. I dont condone drinking and driving, but I was OK. Not really OK being that #1, I hadnt driven on the mainland in 19+ years, but I had NO FRICKING IDEA where I was going. Being that I like challenges, WTF? Keep those hotels on that side going down, and on the other side going back, should work, right?

Maybe.

As luck would have it I made it to and from, all with only scaring the living shit outta MIL and AV by going into the ghetto area of downtown, pulling up at a gas station, and actually asking a crackwhore for directions. I have no predjudice, believe me. I AM naive, that is for sure. 'cause i definitely didnt notice the thugs all around the area, either. She actually gave me great directions for a crackwhore, too. Really. All for a buck. Which I had on the dash, for god knows why. Better than a 20, i guess. The machine will vacuum that.

So we are back at The Cal, and MIL and AV go back to pumping bucks, and I well, wander somemore.

Whats that ? Ah! Blackjack! I can count to 21! Ha! 2 dollar table! Uncles and Aunties sitting with adult beverages, I am sooooo there! I sat down at around midnight. I started with 20.

After the umpteenth Heineken, I actually LOOKED at my watch and saw it was 6AM. Lord I am drunk. Very. Not fall down, but whooo whee I am a might MORE than buzzzol'd. I know I have a room somewhere. Thats right! MIL, AV and me! So off I go to hunker down with my winnings. 6 hours of play and I went up to 200, down to 10, and walked, well, stumbled slightly, with 95 smackeroos. Cost so far for the day - around even. A little on the plus side.

So i slope along up to the room, and MIL and AV are just getting up as I arrive, looking well, drunk. They have a good laugh, and tell me to join 'em for breakfast. Nah. Shower, sleep.

I wake a few hours later, to go hunt down the ladies. MIL is sitting pouting. Not good. AV is clanging away with the coins. I split, saying I am going out to walk around. Being that I am actually wearing shoes, (a sin) I figure what the hell, I am trudging all over, keep my coin count high!

Long story short, I walk all the way to the strip form downtown. Ouch. I drink in the hot sun. Ouch. I walk all the way back to downtown. Ouch, ouch, oweeeeee. Tired, I hunt down the gals and find them both at the spot I left them, 8 hours earlier. MIL is cursing her luck, and AV is happily counting the wins. Needless to say, MIL is ...bitter. She is losing hand over fist.

Quit, yeah? Not MIL. Chase that falling piano, baby! God love her, but no common sense. You are burning thru money, TAKE A BREAK! Nope. Pump it all in, and worse, watch your SIL; KA-CHING!!!! Win even more than you are losing.

So I watch this carnage for awhile, and after a few hours of adult-like beverages (read: Heinekens) I figure, maybe its time to mosy around.

I do mosying around well. I find people and places that really are off the wall.

So I meet the girls of glitter gulch.


Lady C's Uncle told me - "Hey boy! - go to fremont street, and pull all the free pulls, you never know!!!!!" Nothing better than free money! So iget a cardeck here, a mug there, and then, from outta nowhere, comes....Glitter Gulch. The hawker proclaims that I got a free spin coming, and being a naive moron, i dont put 2+2 together and see the train wreck that GG is. Of course I win, but to get your prize, you wander thru a amazing array of slots, sluts, and drunks. I get to the desk, and they hand me like, 20 bucks in coins to play at the slots there. OK. Free money. Now find me a bucket, and I will cash out the 20 , and leave. Nope. No buckets. I see the theory here - of course, pre-beer, I always see the theory.

Any how, a friendly lady on the machines above, strikes up a conversation and seems to be more than intrested in me. Me no stupid, me no likeee. But she really is just doing her job, and is friendly, and not rude. She tells me that if you hit the jackpot when the sirens wail, you get 3X the mount. Cool. I doubt that it will happen, but WTF, I am still sober enough to figure that I stand no chance of winning squat in this dive, (thanks again, Uncle Billy!) Lo and behold, I hit a jackpot for 200 bucks! OK. Now I am outta here. No buckets, I am putting the stash in my shirt, cashing out, Now. The lady above me, says people usually tip, so i toss her a handfull of coins. She was kind enough to say Thanks.

So I take the win, in my shirt, to cash-out cage.

At the cash-out cage is the most intoxicated person I have ever seen in my life.

And it is the Cashier.

Basically 20 minutes later, I leave with over 190 bucks of win.

Back to The Cal, and MIL is funk-afied, She is broke. Really. Day 2 of 4, and she is tapped. I give her the 190, and she tries to refuse, but i kinda noticed she already had the foot out the door.

Son has his game on day 3, so I cruise, win alittle watch MIL and AV lose their collective asses, and watch MIL funk -up even more. My bankroll is still at 200. MIL is given another 100, and off she goes. AV plunks down some coin, and as usual, wins.

I spent most of the last 2 days playing what ever I could, to see the sights, and wander into all kinds of dives.

I came home with 50 bucks, and MIL in tow, with absolutely Zilch.

She said she had fun.

I did.

And that my friends, is how this whole visits to LV started.

Who knows what mischief awaits this time?

Aloha.

Stay safe!